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Bert is Evil !
Classified
Documents of Mars Surveillance
Dear sir,
I was recently told of your "Bert is Evil"
investigation and thought that you might be interested in
the attached image. Understand that this image comes to
me from a trusted friend who worked at Jet Propulsion
Laboratories between 1975 and 1992. I have no reason to
distrust this friend, but he wishes to remain anonymous
for fear of retribution.
On July 25th, 1976, this picture (frame 35A72) of the
Cydonia region of Mars (at 41 deg. N latitude 9.5 deg.
longitude) was photographed by Viking Orbiter 1. The
mission was to identify potential landing sites for the
Viking Lander 2. As you can see this landform bears a
striking resemblance to the evil Bert. This photograph
was suppressed by higher-ups in our government and an
alternate landing site for Viking 2 was selected.
What conclusions can we draw from this image? First of
all, the only life forms that we know of that developed
on Mars were single-celled organisms. Considering the
immensity of this formation (2.5 km long x 2.0 km wide x
0.4 km tall) it becomes immediately apparent that the
logistics of single-celled organisms building such a
stone monument to Bert are mind boggling. Why, it would
make the construction of the pyramids at Giza look like a
sand castle building contest. According to the facts as I
have presented them, ancient Martians by the billions
were obviously enslaved by their Bert-worshiping
overlords for this project. But why? Is it a mute
testament to the devotion of a long dead race to the evil
Bert (whom they must have worshipped as a god)? Is it a
warning of some kind? As if to tell humanity that we are
not welcome in space, that we should go no further? And
why Bert? We have no record of a Bert before 1969, and
yet here he is immortalized on a rock formation believed
to date back to some time between Earth's Precambrian era
and the late mezzanine level. Did Bert somehow time
travel and convince the ancient Martians to do his
bidding? Is it possible that a visionary Martian microbe
looked into the future, saw Bert, and was so affected by
the evil images that washed over him that this
single-celled Nostradamus was compelled to put his
visions to rock? I know not. But clearly spending a lot
of money on costly Mars probes to investigate this
further is warranted.
Cordially,
N. Ross Gilbert
Aerologist-at-large
Note that this image has been digitally enhanced
somewhat. But only a little.